So I guess its pointless to say that I'm just not feeling necessary to anyone. Throughout my life I have worked hard to try and make sure that the people I care for know it, but for some reason the message is always lost. How many times do I have to prove myself worthy before someone thinks I'm worth the risk. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships either. I have had to let go of so many people that for a while I just stopped trying. Spent almost eight years not trying! Taking care of myself, looking over my shoulder for the other shoe to drop when people enter my life. Basically keeping everyone (even my wife) at an arms length because it was just easier than setting myself up for that pain. Learning how to live without the ones you love is so painful!
Well today I let someone hit me again! I know better but I guess because of everything that has gone on with my life lately it was a good idea to try and let someone back in, but I was wrong. i was reminded that I'm just a small fish in her pond. It's very heartbreaking but news im already famliar with.
So many things have gone wrong lately that I'm begining to think I just don't have what it takes to be a good friend, partner, or anything. I had so much for such a short period of time and I thought that I had finally discovered what was missing but I couldn't even hold on to that! I'm tired of hearing that I'm not the one with the short falls because after you watch so many people voluntarly put you at a distance its hard to hear and believe......
Honestly, I know that I'm better off with the absence of some but not all. I know that I have made mistakes and that I have let fear drive at times. My behavior has been unacceptable at times, but am I not capable of change? Am I not worthy of forgiveness and love? Do I not have anything to offer anyone? Someone use to tell me that I would be just fine living alone for the rest of my life....... Who is just fine with that? However, its seems to be my destiny so maybe I should embrace it because everything else I have tried has been a failure.
Can you see me??? I miss so many people that it overwhelms me!
Is the only way to keep what you love is to be a puppet and let someone else pull the strings all the time? How do I balance living my life without sacrificing a life with others?
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