....................thoughts in my head

So it looks like we might finally be moving into spring. Thank you! Although I'm trying to be patient because the weather is very sporadic these days and you just never know what you might wake up to in the mornings. Either way I'm hoping the sun will shine more. I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts out these days. I'm wrestling with learning the difference in saying whats on your mind or pausing and let it process all the way through before speaking on it. For me this is a difficult task. I have found that I can hold my thoughts. That's not the problem. My problem, recognizing when to speak and when to pause. This is where I'm finding the difficulty. I have a lot of work to do yet!

I'm struggling redifining the boundaries between MPFOS and myself. It's hard to step back across that friendship line. It's kinda like when you lose the basketball and you can't keep it from going into the backcourt, and you know you have to touch the ball, but as soon as you do the ref's going to blow that damn whistle!!!! DAMN WHISTLE!! Anyway, it's been difficult to isolate what's in my heart for her to just friendship. Letting go is always so hard. She is embarking on a new journey that will help her fill up. Hopefully, she will find the things that will fill her home with tons of happiness and love.

For me it's back to work figuring out what's in store for my future. Just maybe, I can figure out what I would like to be when I grow up! So far I'm just treading water and it's so damn exhausting. There has to be a better way. Universe I got my heart open and my eyes front and center, so show me something. I'm listening!!!!

My Afternoon Epiphany

What a day, What a day! However, it was not a total wash out.......... in my effort to practice breathing before speaking I did discover that sometimes you just have to let it run through before sharing.

In my silence I had a thought:

My thought: Hum, you know it's time for me to remember who I am.
Not you (who will remain nameless) gets to define me. I
define me!

What a thought! And then it just kept going. It was an epiphany in the afternoon. The bright light started shining on me and I heard harps. Suddenly I realized it wasn't important to me and I wasn't going to argue about it. Whatever the decision I would go with, move on, and make my decision based I what I feel is important and what I know is fair and impartial. Either way, I will not let others define who I am and what I'm about.

This is what I'm about:

Family, Friends, Laughter, and trying to always do my best in any situation
that presents itself. I will do everything I can to help and I would do it with only
the hope to be treated the same in return. I am loud, I am opinionated, I am strong,
and I am a Proud! I'm not looking to cheat or hurt anyone. I make mistakes. I AM
capable of CHANGE!

For so long I have been letting other people define me in all areas of my life. I have forgotten I already know who I am. I'm not easy sometimes and I don't always know the right way, but I'm a quick study and I have the heart to make it worth the effort. So please quit treating me as though I don't know that there is room for improvement. Instead tell me what you want and give me the opportunity to get it right (if I choose too) but don't chastise me like a child and create conflict where there is no need for it because in the end I am going to do what I feel is right. You can count on that......

It's time for me to quit focusing on what other people want me to be and start focusing on what I want to be. If you don't like it, it's OK. I would not want anyone to be anything less then themselves and I hope that you have a lifetime of wealth, health, and love, but GET OFF ME! I'm doing the best I can. I know there is room for improvement but Rome wasn't built in a day people! I'm just saying...................................,

I've lost my sparkle......

I'm trying so hard to understand my life right now. I'm trying to make some change for myself that will help me grow as a person but I'm having trouble sparkling right now. I've filled the past two days with the ballfield, basketball, and friends but still no sparkle.

I have enjoyed spending time at the ballfield with my family and hanging out with my friends but something is missing. Something important, something that I don't know how to get back. No matter what I do and how much fun it is I still miss her. It's like trying to live without part of me. How exactly is that supposed to work. Everybody says give some time it will get easier. I sure hope their right. I don't know if I will ever get used to not being snuggled up to her at night, having sweet pillow talk, or waking up to her sweet smile in the morning. Even the little things like hearing her in the kitchen in the mornings with her cup of coffee singing a little tune or talking to Sofee. God I miss my girls!

I know that I have to find my sparkle without them, but it seems so hard to live without a part of myself. Their is just something about her that makes me fell whole and I worry that although I may be able to shine on my own the sparkle has turned into a dull glimmer.

Taking one step at a time and trying to remember that saying: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger". I must continue to have faith, courage, and strength and hope that she will remember why she chose to love me to begin with!

Working hard to be better...........

It's Friday! Thank you Jesus! I am ready for the weekend. They say it's going to get a little warmer over the next two days and I will take it! I realize that it's not spring yet but I will take whatever warm weather I can get at this point.......

Got up this morning and worked out with JB, Trudy, and Tracy. It was a nice surprise to have her come to the 6am workout. I love my sister. She is such a strong women. So I put Step Three behind me...... I feel good, sore, but good. I considered going and working out tomorrow morning but I think I'm going to reward myself for the hard work I have put in and sleep in. Of course, now a days that means I will be up about 8:30.

Tomorrow Brayden opens up the 2010 Baseball Season for the family. He is playing in a tournament with his traveling baseball team (STING) in Monroe. Looking forward to going out to the ballfield and smelling the grass and hotdogs. I can already hear the ping of the bats making contact with the balls in the batting cages. What a sweet sound!!

I'm also working on learning how to use my words to express my emotions instead of letting my emotions use my words. I have developed a problem with lashing out. It's something I need to stop. I need to stop, breathe, listen, learn, and communicate instead of spewing junk out of my mouth that I don't mean and I can't take back. It's not me, it does not accurately represent who I am and It does not express what is truely in my heart. I need to grow as a person in this area.

So I leave with this:

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we
are for what we could become".................Charles Dubois

Step Two.....

I made again. This morning I got up, got dressed, and showed up another time. If I can keep stringing them along I will be buff in no time! LOL....... It feels good! I'm gonna be sore but I'm proud of myself for taking step two. Now I just need to keep moving forward!

Invisible........

So I guess its pointless to say that I'm just not feeling necessary to anyone. Throughout my life I have worked hard to try and make sure that the people I care for know it, but for some reason the message is always lost. How many times do I have to prove myself worthy before someone thinks I'm worth the risk. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships either. I have had to let go of so many people that for a while I just stopped trying. Spent almost eight years not trying! Taking care of myself, looking over my shoulder for the other shoe to drop when people enter my life. Basically keeping everyone (even my wife) at an arms length because it was just easier than setting myself up for that pain. Learning how to live without the ones you love is so painful!

Well today I let someone hit me again! I know better but I guess because of everything that has gone on with my life lately it was a good idea to try and let someone back in, but I was wrong. i was reminded that I'm just a small fish in her pond. It's very heartbreaking but news im already famliar with.

So many things have gone wrong lately that I'm begining to think I just don't have what it takes to be a good friend, partner, or anything. I had so much for such a short period of time and I thought that I had finally discovered what was missing but I couldn't even hold on to that! I'm tired of hearing that I'm not the one with the short falls because after you watch so many people voluntarly put you at a distance its hard to hear and believe......

Honestly, I know that I'm better off with the absence of some but not all. I know that I have made mistakes and that I have let fear drive at times. My behavior has been unacceptable at times, but am I not capable of change? Am I not worthy of forgiveness and love? Do I not have anything to offer anyone? Someone use to tell me that I would be just fine living alone for the rest of my life....... Who is just fine with that? However, its seems to be my destiny so maybe I should embrace it because everything else I have tried has been a failure.

Can you see me??? I miss so many people that it overwhelms me!

Is the only way to keep what you love is to be a puppet and let someone else pull the strings all the time? How do I balance living my life without sacrificing a life with others?

One step.......

This morning I took my first step. It was one that I have had a lot of trouble getting myself to do but I did it! I got lazy self up and went to work out this morning. I had a lot of anxiety over it because I have let myself get so lazy. It was a challange but I know that if I continue taking the steps I will slowly begin to feel it become easier.

Today I took a step out of the comfort zone I have built around myself and stepped out into a territory that makes me nervous.... This is an area I need to work on! Baby steps is what it's all about......

Life marches on with or without it I intend on jumping back on that train and start making my light shine again.